Why you should drive a coach

Your questions answered and concerns allayed

18th May 2019

Coach in Harrogate

You may have noticed the trend to ever-bigger cars: ginormous 4x4s, and very large pick-up trucks, when previously such conveyances would have been confined to the United States of America. Even Volvo estates, which used to be normal cars, are humongous.

But I suggest these are tentative half-measures. You've heard the expression 'if something's worth doing, it's worth doing well.' On that basis, I am going to propose that you sell your 4x4 and replace it with a coach.

I understand you may have doubts and concerns. I will now allay your fears and convince you.

Isn't it a bit extreme?

The challenge is to drag as much weight as possible along to the shops to buy a pint of milk. You're doing well, but not well enough.

Your luxury 4x4 may weigh as little as two and a quarter tonnes. That's only 28 times your body weight. Following my advice, you could do much better, and schlepp a hundred times your own mass to the Spar on the corner. You need to set your sights higher. Only the truly ambitious succeed.

Won't it be too wide for residential streets? With all the parked cars, it's hard enough to negotiate my way past oncoming traffic already.

At first you might think that you have to pull over for other people. Then, after a couple of days of driving a huge vehicle, you realise that it's up to them to accommodate you. Drive at them, and they will get out of the way.

Won't it be too big for my garage?

Park on the pavement. Those who believe that pavements are for people to walk along need to get with the times.

What about the climate crisis? Sir David Attenborough says we're heading for disaster unless we change our ways.

I heard Nigel Lawson tell John Humphreys that there's no need to worry. He seems like a pretty sincere guy.

Which one?

Well. [Sergeant Frank Drebin face]. Anyway, the whole thing is a conspiracy cooked up by scientists riding the gravy train. (They should also buy coaches). Academics are known to be dollar-chasing hypocrites. If you're after the big bucks, never mind city finance, become a University lecturer - that's where the moola's at.

Should I walk or cycle short journeys?

Don't be daft. With all the 4x4s around, it's too dangerous. Plus, a coach costs a lot of money. It would be a waste to leave it on the drive when you visit your Gran five doors down.

Won't 56 passenger seats be too many? It's only me most of the time.

Hang your jacket over the back of one seat, and put your phone on another - that's two used up for a start. This is easy.

I have heard that bus engines take a long time to warm up.

No problem, leave it running when you park on the double yellow lines in town. Get your thumbs out and start sending messages from your mobile. You'll fit right in.

Isn't it compulsory to drive a black Range Rover around Harrogate?

You can apply to the Borough Council for an exemption. If you can prove that your motorcoach is bigger, it will be granted within 28 days.