Guest Post by Richi Sanuk

Richi Sanuk is the fictional Prime Minister of a failed state off the coast of mainland Europe. Any resemblance to Prime Minister of Britain Rishi Sunak is entirely intentional.

I want to make it clear to the People that my Government is committed to its Levelling-Up agenda.

Hard-Working Range Rover Drivers of England

The focus of our Levelling-Up policies must be the Hard-Working Range Rover Drivers of England (HWRRDoEs). They must be the Beneficiaries of our Commitment to bringing the Disadvantaged up to the standard of the rest of Society.

Many HWWRRDoEs do not have access to a private jet or helicopter.

They may only fly twice a month – or less! Even then, these flights can often be on shared aeroplanes.

This is a Burning Injustice which we are determined to end, but as the Government must be fiscally prudent we cannot do it straight away.

Until such time as public funds are available to subsidise their flights, I am determined to ensure that as much priority as possible is given to HWWRRDoEs on their local journeys.

This means that they must not be held up by drivers of less expensive cars, nor by individuals who have made the immoral choice to self-propel.

We will therefore bring forward a bill to formalise the rights of HWWRRDoEs to tailgate, flash headlights, close pass immoral bicyclists, drive into Advanced Stop Boxes, and disregard speed limits at their discretion.

I am also announcing a review of pavements. My Secretary of State for Transport will be examining the case for each and every footway in England. The interests of Motorists are paramount, and where they would benefit from more space, or parking spaces, we will remove pedestrian facilities.

The Need for Enemies

Levelling-Up cannot be applied to Everyone in All Circumstances. We must be Reasonable and there must be Limits. If there are no Enemies, who will we define ourselves against?

It is not possible to pursue a Reasonable Strategy of Division without Enemies.

The Enemies must be the Least Well-Off. They can best bear the brunt of Unfair Policies, because they are used to it.

Multi-Modal Me

Critics will say that all this makes me an Anti-Evironmentalist. Nothing could be further from the Truth.

I am fully committed to the Government’s Net Zero targets, but they will not be achieved by reducing the volume of Greenhouse Gases we add to the Atmosphere.

The Atmosphere understands that I am a very Busy and Important Person. I am confident that the Atmosphere will not count the Greenhouse Gas Emissions from my trips by Private Jet towards the heating of the planet.

I will explain to the Atmosphere that it must be reasonable. My Ideology has to trump the Laws of Physics.

In any event, I am a Proponent of Multi-Modal Travel. I am driven in a Limousine to a Private Airport. When I get there, I sometimes take a Private Jet. Other times I board a Helicopter. Multi-modal.

I have been accused of playing cheap and dirty politics by jumping on an anti-ULEZ bandwagon.

Critics say I have sold out the Public Interest in a desperate pursuit of a few votes. Others claim that my Anti-Environmental Strategy is not Popular and will Not Work.

My Response to those Carpers and Snipers is Two-Fold.

A, if I am going to Lose an Election, I may as well lose my Dignity too. Drag the country down. Then it will be harder for Keir Starmer to clear up the Mess afterwards.

And two, Jumping on a Bandwagon is the Right Thing to Do. It’s yet another form of transport. Multi-Modal Me.